As I talk with couples and individuals, I've noticed how often the word "but" appears in conversations, acting as a barrier to genuine listening and understanding.
It's a subtle way of asserting our need to be right, often at the expense of truly hearing others.
By becoming aware of our use of "but," we can learn to communicate more openly and lovingly.
Recently I began a discussion such words that are laden with negative meanings:
Words That Matter, Part 8: You
Words That Matter, Part 7: Why
Words That Matter, Part 6: Want, Wish
Words That Matter, Part 5: Okay
Words That Matter, Part 4: No, Not
Words That Matter, Part 3: I Don't Like
Words That Matter, Part 2: Can't
Words That Really Matter: Should
and now we’ll continue:
BUT . . .
Rarely do I have a conversation where I don’t hear some variation on the word “but”:
“But they . . .”
“But I didn’t . . .”
“But . . .”
“Yes, but . . .”
“I hear you, but . . .”
Understanding the Hidden Meanings Behind "But"
The problem with this word is that it’s become a socially acceptable way of failing to listen—and to justify our strong desire to be right.
The truth of these expressions of “but” includes the following:
- “I’m not really listening to you. I want only to express my opinion and to have you both listen to me and agree with me.”
- “I want you to believe that I’m listening, but I’m not.”
- “I know I have some responsibility for the mistake we’re discussing, but I’m so afraid of being wrong that I’m going to work very hard to convince you that I’m guiltless.”
- “I’m dying to persuade you to believe the same as I do about this.”
- “I’m pretending to listen.”
- “I have only one goal here: to be RIGHT. Being wrong would be an intolerable assault on my sense of worth.”
- “Whatever we talk about, I’ll eliminate any possibility that I made a mistake. I will blame everyone else, including you.”
So, often what we’re saying and what we really mean are very far apart, and until we begin to be truthful at least with ourselves, we have a life-sucking problem that perpetuates itself.
The Importance of Genuine Listening
As we become more AWARE of our use of the word “but”—and what it means—we can begin to learn how to genuinely listen to others, and how to stop the blaming and self-righteousness that keep us alone.
In future blogs we’ll discuss more words that have a much greater negative effect than we realize or intend.
